audfica's blog

The state of Michigan contracts non-profit organizations to provide foster care. After my initial stay at a children’s home with my younger brother I was place in a very caring and wonderful foster home. I can say that it is because of that home that I was able to survive and move on from the horrors of my childhood; both before the placement and what was yet to come. I was blessed to stay in that home with my biological brother and cousin for two and a half years.  

My first adoption experience was traumatic enough that I only remember bits and pieces. Both my biological brother and I were placed with a family that was several hours drive from the placing agency. We received very little monitoring. The family we were placed with had several biological children. I was a year older than their youngest daughter and my brother was two years younger than her. The family did not want to adopt my brother but the placing agency did not want to split the “sibling group” I know this because the mother told us. Even at the age of four my brother understood he was just part of the package deal.  

We learned right away they we were not part of the family. We did not get the privileges that the other family members got.  For example for Easter my brother and I got store bought cello wrapped baskets. Cheap and cheesy! Their daughter got this wonderful hand made basket shaped like a bunny. I can still see that bunny and remember thinking how great it would have been to get one of those. It’s a small thing to most people, but for me it was huge. We were left to feel like we were just not as important, and we didn’t merit the effort.

The rules were different for us too. Things that their bio kids could do we couldn’t. Our bedtime was an hour before their bed time, our clothes just weren’t as nice as theirs, and so on.  About a year into the placement I was hospitalized due to a stomach ulcer. (Note: this was not mentioned in any of the papers I have seen about my case) After the hospitalization I was removed from the home. However, the placing agency in their infinite wisdom left my brother there.

For him the story only got worse. He was abused in ways I can not even imagine. He would be locked in a closet to pray to the virgin, he was pushed through a shower enclosure and when those things didn’t work they institutionalized him. And the abuse that goes on in a boys home is a horror that is best left unsaid.  I wrote the family a letter when I turned 18 asking to see my brother. They wrote back and told me that the beautiful four year old boy I was forced to leave behind was “unable to love” and they were forced to “give him back” as if human beings are returnable.  

After I was removed from that home I was placed in yet another wonderful foster home. I am one of the lucky few that has good memories of foster care. I spent a year in that home but I was truly a damaged child. I had lost everyone that had ever meant anything to me. I tell you this because you need to know that I was by no means an easy child. I needed help. I needed parents who could work with what I had to offer.  

By this time I was pretty much "unadoptable" I was too old, been with too many families and had a broken adoption.  In the Sunday press they would advertise kids like me with a small background story, picture etc. As an adult I have looked at the "Tuesday's Child" Section of the press and I it breaks my heart. I am horrified that the concept was ever acceptable.

I was finally placed when I was almost 10 years old with a permanent placement. I had vague memories of staying with this family during my stay with my first set of foster parents. (in case you are not familiar with the foster care system-foster parents can ask for respite care for their foster kids if they have a family vacation, an emergency, or just need a break)  I was placed with an already blended family that was severely dysfunctional.

The adoptive mother was a victim of physical abuse at the hands of her parents. She got pregnant and married just before she finished high school. She had a second child with that husband two years later. I am not sure why they divorced.

The adoptive father seemed to have a fairly normal childhood. Perhaps poor, but it seemed like his family was close. He had two children from his first marriage as well, a son and a daughter.