debheidt's blog

I was raised by relatives, a kinship or intra-family "adoption".  Both of my birth parents died before I was 2 1/2.  I was imposed upon the relatives that had the youngest family.  The emotional and psychological abuse kept me in a fog of who I really was in this world.   There was one instance of extreme physical abuse which basically just scared me into being obedient.  The way to survive was to be hypervigilant and compliant.  Because there was shame involved in the circumstances of my birth it was barely discussed.  I forgot I had other parents originally and am now grieving for them.

My "mother" was verbally and psychologically abusive, which was a much more insidious and lasting abuse than the one severe beating my "father" gave me.  I did feel connected to him as he was my half-brother and in many ways he was very good to me, though an emotionally distant man.  When he died I was 19.  Now, in my 50's, I am finally dealing with the pain which began in my infancy.  Until I began reading other adoptee's stories and blogs, I felt I was alone in my experiences.  Though my "adoption" home situation was unusual, the feelings of isolation, loneliness and shame seem to be prevalent among people (children and adults) separated from their birth parents through adoption.  I feel like a 2000 piece puzzle was thrown up into the air and I am trying to fit the pieces into place to reveal a previously unknown me.  So many memories have come back to me over the course of this past year.  So much now makes sense.  I don't even have the frame to the puzzle in place yet, but am getting there one piece at a time.   Here is the link to my blog.  I welcome comments and hope that we can heal together over time.

www.familysecretsunleashed.blogspot.com