SusieQ's blog

I'm back in counseling. I think it will help more this time, since I have a better understanding of the specific challenges I face. Wish me luck.

I've never done anything like this before and it feels empowering, for once in 47 years. I think the reason this is coming out of me now is the death of my adopted Dad. Mom went 10 years ago, so now that Dad is gone, I feel somewhat free from the adoption. They tried, but didn't protect me from the predators in my life and their family. I know my birth Mom and have for 15 years. She is a meth addict and I can't be around her. She's evil, and once admitted to me that she murdered someone and made him "disappear", so she never got caught. All my life I wanted to know my other Mom, and now that I do, it's like being abandoned all over again. We were close for 4 years. It all went bad the day my daughter told her that she hated her and was glad she gave me up for adoption. Although my parents didn't protect me, and my Dad was physically abusive, they did show love. I never felt unloved, just lost and like I didn't really belong there.

Well, this is a start. It hasn't been easy. It is still necessary for me to have contact with my brother, and since he raped me, it is not easy, just not easy. I am very good at keeping my life a secret from my coworkers and friends. Only those who I have known for a long time get to know me. When they do, I often hear how well adjusted I am for what I have been through, but they aren't there those times when I lose it. Yes, it happens. Thanks for giving people like me a safe place to vent.