Adopted into Hell part 1

I was adopted into an all white small town in Kansas in 1961. It is hard to imagine the backwards nature of this town. The adults at the time were from the war era. A small town in kansas was far behind both coasts in their ways of thinking. Sometimes it seems like ______________, Kansas existed in another dimension, and had it's own reality. I have never been able to speak of this before. Not only because of how intensely painful that it is, but because of the sheer magnitude of the mob mentality. I have always been afraid of not being believed. This fear goes to the very heart of my soul. To not be believed is the betrayal of the worst nature. No infidelity or abuse can touch the pain that not being believed brings. To not be believed, to me, says that I am crazy, or if I am not crazy, I am not a good person. No good person would make up things of this nature. My adoptive parents, R_________ and A___ D__________, owned a jewelry store and a sheep farm. My dad did watch and clock repair in his shop, and at the time of my adoption, owned sheep, a few cattle, a couple of horses and ponies, as well as chickens, geese, and ducks.My parents had been unable to have a child of their own having suffered a couple of miscarriages.When they brought me to _________________, most of the population was of the belief that I was somehow "Bad" or "Of bad seed" and obviously illegitimate. Any child who was illegitimate was a product of sin. My maternal grandmother was of this mentality. When I was left in her care, she was often visited by a sister of my dads and her children. They went over to Grandma S_________s to watch her black and white tv as they had none of their own. I was too young to remember, but Grandma had no problem voicing her opinions in front of them. "You dirty little rat. You are just a little illegitimate rat. You will never amount to a hill of beans. All you will do is have a bunch of illegitimate brats of your own. I hate you, you dirty little rat"This was said even when I was too little to understand it. As I got older, I began to understand that there was something different about me from my cousins. Some of them called me names, mocked me, hit me, and Grandma looked on with approval. She would put her arms around one of my cousins, and in a very sweet voice, make comments such as "Aren't you my sweet little pumpkin. Thank heavens you aren't a dirty little rat like Regina."I longed to be like everyone else and did not understand why I was different; I just knew that I was. The year I entered kindergarten, my mother carried a pregnancy to term and gave birth to my sister, K_______. Suddenly, mommy was like everyone else. She held the baby close to her, and wouldn't let me come near, like I carried some infectious disease. She constantly made comments like "You nincompoop! You little moron. This is my sweet baby. Her is my own. Her is my little girl" I would be glared at. I soon learned to stay away from both mom and K_____________. I need to add I was only 4 at the time. My birthday was December 28th, and I started school at 4. The kindergarten teacher, Miss B________, put me at a table in the back of the room by myself. On the occasions that other children would reach out to me, Miss B_____________ would tell them to get away from me. So by the age of 4, I knew that there was something different about myself. I didn't know why, but I was not as good as everyone else. There was something bad about me that I could not fix. I was called to the front of the room on almost a daily basis. Corporal punishment was allowed at that time, and I was spanked in front of the class nearly every day. I was not allowed to play with the other children. Now as an adult with children of my own, it seems inconceivable that the other parents and the school administration allowed this to go on. This is the mob mentality that I have spoken of. I have seen a movie called "The Lottery" Most other people that have seen this movie consider it almost science fiction, and ask how an entire town could go so crazy. I think that an outsider coming in to this would have tried to put a stop to it, but this was a town of 900 trapped in the dark ages. When I left school, I went home to be taunted, put down, called names, and hit. I had my face slapped 6 or 7 times a day AT THE AGE OF 4.What could a 4 year old could have possibly done? At the time, I thought that it was because I was me. I watched other kids make friends, play games, and be spoken to nicely. I thought how nice it must be to have someone speak kindly. I never even imagined anyone speaking nicely to me. It never crossed my mind. In first grade, it was no better. The teacher had me come to the front of the class, bow 3 times, and say "I am a big fat goose" 3 times, usually 3 to 4 times a week. At this time, I began to experience physical abuse from the other children. They would hit me or trip me, and God help me if I cried. These people did not see me as a human with feelings. They thought I was something different, and bad, and by their treating me badly, they were showing that they were good children. By halfway through the first grade, I barely was passing. I was told daily that I was stupid, an imbecile, (I didn't even know what that meant, but I knew that it was something terrible) and I didn't understand why I had to be born to be this terrible thing. The parents had encouraged this behavior with their hangups about my supposed illegitimacy. The children, in their defense at this behavior in their very early ages, thought that they were supposed to treat me badly. The worse that they could treat me, the higher their esteem with their peers. At home, the abuse became worse as K___________ grew/ All I ever heard was how K___________ could do no wrong and I could do no right. My mother had these conversations with the adults in her church and with all the aunts and uncles, and noone seemed to really think anything of it. If anyone did have a problem with the constant emotional abuse in front of everyone, they never did or said anything about it. I did find out later that one of my aunts, the one who sent her children to watch Grandma's TV, was horrified, but she was afraid to do anything about it for fear that it would make my situation worse. My father just stood by and even though he did not actively abuse me, he never said a word to anyone to prevent it. In second grade, when I was only 6, my mother gave birth to another child, M_____________a. Even though M__________________ttained the "Never can do any wrong" status of Kristie, Melissa was clearly an insider and I was on the outside looking in. K_______ and M__________ weren't called names, slapped, kicked, and punched. K___________ began to develop what probably was a typical disposition of a child who is completely catered to, and every whim is satisfied. She called me names too, even at the age of 2. She would scratch and bite, and my only defense was to run. How humiliating, to run at the age of 6 from a 2year old, but if I ever tried to defend myself, even to push her away, I was spanked. My parents called it spanking, but it was really a beating. However, she never got in trouble for scratching or biting, even when it drew blood. That is, on me. She was not allowed to treat M)________ badly. I don't think it really occurred to her to treat M__________ badly. M______________ was her sister. I don't know what she thought of me as. School went from bad to worse. That was the year of E_________ P___________. That name to this day still has the power to invoke very strong emotions in me. I can't even put a name to the emotions. I don't know what they are. Elsie was sadistic, and had a habit of making one child the class scapegoat. She was in her heyday with me. Here was a child that she could humiliate and abuse to her hearts content, and the other children thought that she was behaving properly. She didn't fear any retaliation from either my parents or the school administration. When I was taken to school the first day, my mother let it be known to her that I was a trouble maker, would not cooperate, and in general, had to be taken in hand. Even though I kept my mouth shut, and tried my best to not draw any attention to myself, I was always doing something wrong. I did not think I could do anything right. Even something as simple as a math worksheet, which she caught me doing. Instead of starting at the top left, I was skipping over the paper, doing the sums at random. She held up the sheet and told the class what a horrible student I was. "Class, are we supposed to do the problems from left to right, or are we to skip all over like Regina did?" The class would say "from left to right' and P____________ would lead me to the front of the class to be paddled with a huge paddle she kept up by her desk. I tried so hard not to cry, as the class would start to laugh, and it would make the teacher taunt me infront of the class. "Oh, is wittle baby going to cwy? Did big mean nasty teacher hurt it's wittle feewings? Look, class, wittle baby is cwying? This was the classes cue to laugh and to mock me with saying Waaah and other taunts. I had made a mistake on some assignment. I do not remember what the particulars were on this occasion. I remember P_________ holding up the assignment and saying "Class, look what Regina Di________s did. What should we do?" The class was shouting out suggestions. K_______S_________ shouted out "Let us all spank her!" P__________ cooed over what a wonderful idea that K____________ had and told the class to take me into the coat closet and spank me. I remember K_______t holding the paddle. The entire class of 21 other students mobbed me. They drug me out of my chair, and into the closet. I remember having my legs, arms, hair, head, and dress all pulled. I was hit repeatedly with the paddle untill it shattered into fragments. When they finally decided that I had had enough, they went back to their seats, and they and E________ P______________ talked about how I deserved it. She came into the coat room, and grabbed my hair. She pulled me to my seat. She then told me how I had better not tell anyone. She said that everyone knew that I deserved it and whoever I told would spank me again. I did not tell anyone at home for fear of more of the same treatment. Now I realize that she had gone too far and was afraid. That did not cross my mind at the age of 6. I did not expect any other treatment. I limped home, a mile walk that seemed to be 5 miles in the pain that I was in. I turned 7 in December. When we came back from Christmas break, I was wearing a poncho that my mother had gotten God knows where. P__________ had me come to the front of the class. She made fun of my poncho, and had all the class laughing and poking fun. At this time, ____________ B_________ came up with the bright idea of saying spray as a way of cleansing himself from "My germs" When ever I came near someone, they began to scream and to shout "Spray spray" as they ran away from me like I was leprous. I remember sitting on the edge of the playground watching the children play tag. When one would tag the other, they would shout "You got D_________'s germs" The child tagged would scream, and run to tag someone else, and they would all scream. At the end of recess, they would all gather and "Spray" each other to cleanse my germs off of them. I began to withdraw. I did not cry, either at home or at school. It drew attention to me. Believe me, I did not want this attention. At recess, I began to create my own world. I went off by myself to a deserted end of the school yard, and created my own world, which was far better than the hell I lived in. In this dream world, I was like every one else. I had friends. I was invited to parties and sleepovers, and my mother said nice things to me, and the teachers would compliment me on work well done. Towards the end of the school year, a new student arrived. I remember her name still> J_______ W____.We were brought up to the front of the class in front of the blackboard row by row. We were to tell her our names, and what our fathers did. I turned sideways and was daydreaming, and running my hand up and down the trough that held the chalk and erasers. Suddenly, I felt a hand grab my hair. I was jerked around, and E______ P____________ socked me in the face with her fist with all her strength. My nose spouted blood like a fountain. My lips were bleeding. I was terrified. Was I going to get in more trouble for bleeding on the floor or my dress? E___________ P_______________ took me to the restroom, cleaned me up, and kept saying that I shouldn’t have turned around, but that her hitting me was accidental, and I had better not tell anyone or I would be expelled. I told no one. I didn't want more of the same.