Baby Tears

.....I do not know where to start. You all have tocuhed me so deeply. Reading your experiences stirred very familiar feelings within me, even though I wasn't abused to the horrific extent as most of you were. I can not begin to compare, but I so recoginse your experiences.....its touched a very real and raw part of me. I am in tears...... Thank you so much for sharing and supporting me....you lovely, lovely people. I extend my heart and spirit out to you......................I hope you feel me. And I am sure you are smart enough to ignore some of the ignorant comments that people have been adding to your experiences. They infuriate me because they do not have a damn clue. But I so hear you all.

Like I said, I was never sexually abused as such....my adoptive dad would just tickle  me and my sister who was adopted with me between our legs as he chased us up the stairs every evening on his way back home from work. When I started developing breasts he fondled them and we even have a picture in our photo album of him doing this to me. I always took it as his sign of affection. Years later I was told by my therapist that this was not ok and that it was a form of control.

My story is this at the age of 4 and a half and my sister the age 6 and a half were 'baby transported' out of Bangladesh and flew to Amsterdam where my white, Austrian adoptive parents picked us up and flew us back with them to London, where they resided at the time and were hailed by family and friends and colleagues as such saints and good catholics. I never understood why my adoptive dad would hit me, pull my ears and literally go mental infront of me- that was really terrifying for me as such as small child. He would complain constantly that my sister and I were killing him and that terrified me equally as much. I would often hold my breath (unconsciously) whenever he was around for the fear of doing the slightest thing that might upset him. I would literally tip-toe around him and could ever understand why he would always be so displeased with me. Subconsciously and I still believe that something is terribly wrong with me and that I don't deserve anything. In my teen years I would cry my self to sleep every night, because I could not seem to get through to them that I just wanted to love them and to be loved, but they saw me as a fake and as my adoptive mother once told me off saying to me 'stop acting so innocent!'. We were never allowed to cry when my adoptive dad hit us and we had to stand there and let him finish slapping us across the face. When he was done we were instructed to go to our rooms to cry and then to come downstairs and ask for his forgiveness. That is how I let men in my later life take advantage of me. I believed I had no control over a situation , that I had created the problem and that I had to endure the consequence until it was all over, apologise to the man who took advatage of me and once on my own again to ignore that it ever happened.....people tell me thats cold of me...I don't know. I believe I just was trying to protect myself. I always felt and still do so humiliated and exposed. I often have dreams where I am wandering around naked and everyone around me is dressed. I even struggle in my curent relationship because he can't understand why I let myself be taken advantage of by my sisters ex-boyfriend and a past neighbour of mine. I have even let him take advatage of me many times in the past, but he is learning and has changed his ways. I recognise that he has experiences of severe neglect and abuse himself.

For too long now I have put my life 'on hold' believing that I could only exist once my birth mom came back for me, embraced me back to life and took me away with her like the prince in the fairytale 'Sleeping Beauty'. But she never came for me so I have decided to go to her.

Currently I am searching for my birth family and hope one day to support other trans national and transracial adoptees like myself.

I hope my input will have been of some use and I welcome any comments. If you (the adoptee only) ever wish to share directly with me you have my absoulte permission. Thank you again for sharing, no matter how brief or long, remember that you count and matter!